What I mean by faking it is that when I go out of the house, I utilize my current best friend...spandex. I went to Target and got some "shapewear" to help suck everything in. Two things I heard in the last week were, "Wow, you're slimming down really fast this time" and "Are you already back into your pre-pregnancy clothes?"
Although these things should be nice to hear, I cringed when I heard them. Why? Because I know I'm just faking. When the spandex comes off, and everything flops out and sags down, I know the reality is that I only appear to look slim.
Most of the time I can just avoid thinking about it by not looking at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower. With clothes on I can sort of disguise the pudge in ways that I don't have to acknowledge it, but I just took my "Before" pictures and I'm gonna be honest; I'm a little terrified. Both that I look this way, and that I'm gonna share these with you!!
Believe me, the thought crossed my mind to wait to share them till after I'd lost the weight and when I look better. That would be taking the easy way out, but when I really think about it I realize that we ALL have insecurities about our bodies no matter what we weigh. Even when I am at my skinniest I still have certain insecurities. I don't want to feel ashamed of my body, especially after what it just went through to give me one of the most incredible gifts I've ever received.
So here goes nothing guys. I'm choosing to be transparent and show you my reality even though it's not pretty.
I started off the pregnancy at 136 and I ended at 187. I am now at 167. I also have a Diastasis Recti which means the connective tissue that holds my abs together in the middle is separated which leads to my stomach appearing more bulged.
Well, this transformation starts NOW. Since I had Judah I have been eating literally whatever I want, whenever I want. I was allowing myself to not think about restricting myself, knowing that at some point I would buckle down and start this journey. I had planned on waiting till the 6 week mark which will be in 4 days but the last few days I just realized there's no point in putting it off any longer.
So I am happy to say that my spirits are high and I am ready and excited to do this. I have no idea what to expect as far as how long this will take but I will work hard until I get to a place where I can feel "comfortable in my own skin" as I like to say. That's really my goal.
I would like to get down to at least 140, with my stretch goal being back to 136 again. My current BMI is 27.8 which is considered *gulp* overweight. Healthy is between 18 and 24 so I've got a ways to go. At 136 my BMI would be about 22 which is right in the middle.
I will do a separate post on how I am changing my diet and what I plan on doing for exercise. I just wanted to get this initial post up to signify the beginning of this journey.
I do hope that by being completely honest and not sugar coating anything, others can be encouraged that they are not alone in having body insecurities. Although America is an amazing country to live in, our culture has made it extremely hard to be a woman and to love our bodies. Especially after having a baby. So I want to do my best to love myself no matter what I look like, appreciate what my body did in bringing two beautiful kids into the world, but also acknowledge my strength and ability to be and look healthy.
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